APH - Towel War I

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FIGHT, ARTHUR.

Fight those damn Germans and their innate imperialist instinct. How did that Churchill quote go again? "The hun is either at your heel, or at your pool"?

Yeah. He was right.



(... okay, if you’re not British, or German, you might need an explanation. The modern British-German relationship is that of partners and friends - occasional mutual EU bitching aside – but mainstream image of actual interaction between the people is almost exclusively focused on a fierce football rivalry, and Towel Wars. In other words, it’s all about continuing to fight out WW2, only with more socially acceptable weapons.

Now, Towel Wars: this means going to countries that are blessed with more sun and less rain than foggy UK and muddy Germany, and spending all one's precious time and nerve to fight with holiday makers from the opposing team over the best deck chairs at the pool by placing your towels on them, thus hogging them even when you’re not present and endlessly annoying everybody else. In order to secure those chairs for yourself, you either have to be quick, or ruthless, or best – both. Traditionally, Spain is chosen as battleground, but these annual battles occur in holiday resorts all over the Mediterranean.

A little known fact is that Margaret Thatcher opposed German reunification on the grounds that "with 16 million more huns allowed free travel, British interests in Spanish sun loungers will be critically endangered". (But at least Arthur can rest assured in the knowledge that with his complexion, Gilbert can’t handre Mediterranean sun for long, anyway. Turns into a lobster in five minutes, he does.)

Incredibly enough, after some 50 years of ongoing conflict there seems to have been a development last year. Now, apparently, you can book your deck chair along with your entire trip. I personally find this heartbreaking. It seems like I missed my chance of ever fighting with a Brit over a deck chair, and therefore like I missed out on a very intimate and defining part of British-German cultural exchange.

Oh well. At least you can pick a side and relive the epic conflict online.)

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characters (c) Himaruya Hidekaz